Vogue Hates Poor People

The much-lauded and massive (5 lbs; yes, I weighed it) September issue, in which Vogue gives us yet another yawn-worthy cover and over 300 pages of ads featuring overpriced crap no one in this economy (or in her right mind) can afford, landed with a thud on my doorstep yesterday. Once again we learn that Vogue is turning a blind-eye to the state of the economy right

now, although it's also doing a great job of pretending to care.

Case in point: Since this year's June issue, Vogue has included a regular feature called "100 Under $500" which, if you ask me, is a very sad joke funny only to the moneyed folk who appear in the magazine's society pages every month. The feature touts such "must-haves" as a hand-painted notecard set for $140 and a Louis Vuitton keychain for $250. Who the hell is going to spend that much money on a keychain and cards? These are things, I think we can all agree, that nobody actually needs. Randomly, a La Roux CD is thrown in for $24 - the cheapest thing on the list, and yet, still ridiculously overpriced for a CD.

Other items of note:

A fabric-covered caddy for $220 (and I have no idea what that is or what it's for)

A terracotta pot for $250 (seriously, it's just a pot)

A $495 scarf (which will be well over $500 after sales tax is calculated)

A $495 lipstick case (just a case, no lipstick)

Adding insult to the people battling foreclosure and debt, Vogue has the audacity to call these items, including a $450 pillow, "smart buys." Huh?

To be fair, I could never afford anything in Vogue, but I read the magazine because I love fashion and I enjoyed looking at the beautiful clothes, people and places. But in these economic times, the pages of the magazine have become a stinging slap in the face. How does that song go? "Money, money, money, must be funny in a rich man's world." Funny, indeed.

Christy Turlington in Vogue

Yay! Finally, a decent cover. My favorite model graces this month's (August 2009) cover of the magazine that is getting worse with every issue. Last month, it was Ms. It's Not Hard For Me To Fall In Love (coughwithmarriedmencough) Sienna Miller. A boring and horrible cover that I didn't even post. Hopefully, I'll remember to put it up tomorrow if anyone even cares.

This month Vogue presents its annual Age Issue, an attempt at pigeonholing women into their particular age category because we all know that that number is what defines us right? Right. Thanks Vogue. I am morphing into a confident, secure and intelligent woman with your ever helpful guidance.

Just like the Body Issue, the Age Issue is a disgrace. I mean, come on, do we really need to define women based on how old they are? Isn't it enough that Hollywood makes us all feel over the hill at thirty, anyway? Now the fashion magazines are joining the party, belittling women by making them feel too old and thereby irrelevant. And if you think this Age Issue is a celebration of women at any age, you're mistaken. As soon as the issue hits stands and mailboxes, women all over the country are frantically flipping to their age category, hoping a beautiful, young-looking woman was chosen to represent them. Then, they can feel "okay" about themselves. Sad.

Honestly, if I see another cover line that states "Fabulous at Forty" or something similar, I will stick my head in an oven. When did 40 become so old that we have to heap praise upon anyone who reaches that age and manages to look remotely human? I didn't realize that we were all supposed to drop dead at 39. Just stamp an expiration date on our foreheads and get it over with.

On a happy note, if you're over 35 and don't want to commit suicide, you've won. Congratulations.

Green, Literally.

The June 2009 issue of Vogue with a smiling and radiant Cameron Diaz on the cover leaves very little to the imagination. It has nothing to do with Cameron's clothing (she's bundled up in a white cotton shirt and pants by Stella McCartney), it has everything to do with the overwhelmingly green font color. You see, this is the GREEN issue in case you couldn't realize that just by looking at it. Btw, could there be anything more ironic than a Vogue Green issue? Especially, when the EIC and her minions have no qualms about wearing fur and flying in private jets. But I digress.

Anyway, about 60% of the cover lines are in a bright Kelly green font just to drive home how much Vogue cares about the environment because you would never guess that if you solely judged them on their actions.

Vogue Jumps on the India Bandwagon In an Attempt to Stay Relevant

In the May issue of Vogue, the editors once again prove that they don't have an ounce of originality left. Thanks to the success of Slumdog Millionaire, people are suddenly remembering that there's a country called India with a unique and rich culture (and aren't you surprised that greedy Hollywood and Madison Ave are all of a sudden so eager to capitalize on it?).

Not to be outdone, La Wintour and her army of Botoxed minions put together a fashion editorial complete with Indian model Lakshmi Menan, young Indian children dancing around in colorful costumes, and a title that reads "India Are We." Let me get this straight: Vogue is "India" now? Of course, it is; now that it's profitable and popular to be associated with anything remotely Indian - God, Vogue makes me sick.

I haven't read an article in Vogue in months because, quite frankly, they're completely irrelevant; but now even the pictures offend me.

Vogue's May 2009 Cover: Gorgeous!

I was happy as a clam to find the May issue of Vogue in my mailbox today. It seems Vogue has temporarily returned to its senses and finally put supermodels on the cover. This particular one features one of my all-time favorites: Liya Kebede.

Liya's one of those faces that is so preternaturally beautiful that you never tire of looking at it. I'm really glad she's on the front cover this time and not relegated to one of the other two pages of the fold-out. You may have noticed the phenomenon of putting black and other models of color inside the folded sheet so that their faces are essentially invisible on the newsstand.

To be fair the fold-out pages in this issue are beautiful, too. Moreover, the editorial articles inside feature a look into the lives of these great beauties, and I must say I'm truly grateful to La Wintour for sparing me yet another mundane celebrity interview.

Hooray for models, and keep 'em coming!

Unfortch, it's only a matter of time before Vogue goes back to sucking again...Let's give it about a month.

Vogue's Shape Issue: A Lesson in Fail

Once a year, American Vogue presents a charade known as the "Shape Issue." It chronicles different women of various shapes - short, thin, tall, pregnant (I didn't really think that was a shape but whatever), & curvy. They do this by featuring a famous woman (singer, model, actress) and talking about her particular shape, somehow making her body sound like some disease that the person has courageously learned to live with. For example, "Best friends Olivia Thirlby and Zoe Kravitz are New York girls with an answer for everything - especialy, Sally Singer learns, how to be small yet staggeringly stylish." In case you were wondering, Olivia and Zoe are "short" and they have to somehow figure out how to be stylish and look good in clothes because this is clearly impossible for people who aren't 6 feet tall and 120 pounds, right? "Olivia and Zoe are tiny, and the most wackily charming New York double act since Madonna and Rosanna Arquette," Singer writes. I'm sorry, but I don't get it. This is like saying, "they may be tiny, but they're still human - amazing!"

Cue to me rolling my eyes. Oh LORD, Vogue often makes me laugh my ass off. But why am I surprised? This is the same magazine that convinced Laura and Kate Mulleavy to lose weight and actually have the experience chronicled in its pages for all eternity.

There's also a feature on Charlotte Gainsbourg and Lou Doillon, "two spirited sisters who treat being thin like a birthright," but I'll get to those two sad saps later.

Cool! Beyonce on Vogue Cover

Did Anna Wintour somehow stumble on my previous post about the twisted logic behind her magazine's illustrious cover choices? Probably not. But check out how cool this is: Beyonce Knowles on the cover of Vogue, FINALLY!!!

I must confess she looks gorgeous and stylish. Yes, the fashion bible's covers are still pretty safe and boring, but I have to admit that the last two covers have made me happy. For the first time in a long time, I don't see pale anorexic triplets looking at me with empty eyes from the cover.

As much as I like this cover, I can already tell that the inside pages are going to be as out-of-touch and irrelevant as ever. But I'll have to reserve that judgment for when I actually get this issue in the mail. Here's hoping I can bring myself to actually remove it from the plastic cover.